I got my first Birchbox in the mail today. This is such a good invention; little presents of samples delivered every month in the prettiest of boxes. I am thinking that I should have checked the box, though, that said, “I do not want fragrance samples,” because the one they sent this month smells like powdered old lady corpse. 

I cannot wear perfume to school anyway. It mixes with the smell of school, which if you teach at a school, you know what I mean. School smells like microwaved bandaids and teenagers. Add perfume to that and well, it’s like those people who spray cologne in the dirty faculty bathroom. You can’t polish a turd, Sean would say. 

Quinn, apparently is hyper aware of this shift in our routine, and he has started to rebel by shitting on the floor. Poor Luke watched him one day last week, when I had to be with William all day at a photo shoot. Quinn peed all over the place and thought it was hysterical. I have stayed home and remained low key for a few days and that seems to have corrected the problem. Though he did, today, tell me that he washed all my money and “put it in the potty.” If anyone wants some really shiny quarters, I am your gal. 

The boy turns three on my first day of classes, which is terrible timing. Luckily, he will be with Aunt Shirley and Uncle John and they will celebrate. He has changed his mind about which kind of cake he wants about forty times now. First he wanted a ballerina (no idea he even knew what a ballerina was) and now he is stuck on a Greta (our dog) cake (and her mom). I have no idea who Greta’s mom is, so I might just turn her into a ballerina. He asked if I would bring him flowers on his birthday. Um, I guess. Jesus kid, way to be specific. 

Between Quinn ramblings (Mom, how do you play with Buddha? Mom, how do people sing? Mom, how do people dance? Mom, if you go dancing, can I come?) I haven’t been doing much of anything (though today I found out I was going to have a show in November, which put me into a slight panic and so I got out all this drawing stuff and tried to work, but then Quinn drew on top of it and laid his waffle in my gesso). 

I guess I always think that I am not doing much of anything at all, which is kind of depressing, especially when the only thing I can recall doing is scrolling through my Instagram feed, so maybe it is important that I just make a list of at least ten things that I did this week . . . a kind of affirmation that I am good enough:

1. I watched Noel marry James. John made a beautiful dad speech and he got teary, which was so lovely that I will think of that moment again and again for years to come. Watching a wedding probably does not sound all that productive on my end, but keep in mind, I had a toddler with me. If you have never taken a toddler to a wedding, you can practice by lassoing wild pigs. 

2. I took William to an all day shoot for which he will be the “face” inside of picture frames sold throughout the nation. This freaks me out a little. I imagine his face in plastic shopping bags, in car trunks, in gift wrapped present boxes. I imagine someone opening the frame and crumpling up his face to and throwing him in the garbage. Ick. Stop. It will be fine. No one pays attention anyway  (except that I have seen those movies and tv shows where the character keeps the photo in the frame for some weird reason…)

3. I went to dine at Wolf Peach and learned that Haley does not like tomatoes and that my brother does not like scallops. How do you not like scallops? How did I not know this? At the restaurant my mom had strawberry rhubarb beer. To date, this has been the saddest thing to pass up, now that I am sugar free. 

4. I bought two new photo apps. 

5. I made the best chicken korma in the land, except that I forgot to add the tiny potatoes. 

6. I went on a rebellious shopping spree for Lizzie, who is under strict orders from school to not wear short shorts. Legs, I guess, are sexy and sexy is bad. Sigh. Seriously, it is not like she went to school with camel toe. 

7. I baked banana bread with chocolate chips, and blueberry muffins. They lasted less than a day, which is good because it is hard to smell banana bread and not be able to eat it. 

8. I cuddled, in the dark, with Luke and Haley, Sean, William, Lizzie, and Greta and we (at the girls’ pleading) watched The Notebook for the zillionth time. Nothing sexier in the world than Ryan Gosling saying, “It’s still not over!” The Notebook is my good bad movie. 

9. I learned that Scott Avett is a painter. Could I possibly like him more? What’s next? He loves pie? 

10. I watched half of the Philip Glass documentary (again) with Sean and we were both reminded of New York and of being young and about all the possibilities that exist and we both sighed heavy, late night sighs, knowing that we both have more work to do, a quest that is harder now (because of children and an aching house, obligations and silly things like overdue water bills) and in someways easier…because we know who we are. 

Maybe it is in that knowingness, that full awareness of self, that we both know there are big, good changes coming…that our lives are going to be huge and limitless and that all that is required of us is to leap. Philip Glass and top ten lists are the kinds of things we need to witness in order to remind ourselves that we are not lost.